Don't know how to get over this

[Retriever470]

Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to my beautiful boy. Ah, you'll all be thinking. First golden. Wrong. Fourth golden. I thought Oscar, my first was going to be a hard act to follow, but Simon and Magnus did it. And then along came Raffles. He has been my (our) companion for almost 14 years. I had him before I met Paul. He was a really handsome boy with a well developed sense of humour and such a loving disposition. I wonder if this absolute heartbreak, this physical pain, is because for the last six and a half years, since I gave up work, he has been my constant companion. He would lay under my desk, usually as much in the way as he could make himself and snore, or sigh loudly if he thought I was late for walkies or his dinner.
Earlier this year, I realised that he was getting creakier. He had trouble climbing the stairs, occasionally he would stumble as the nerves in his feet stopped working. But the end came so fast. Monday at 4pm he was fine, if a little rockier than usual. By 6pm, I was worried. Yesterday morning, I came down the stairs backwards in front of him. By 10.30, he lay on the sitting room floor just looking at me. I rang the vet. Paul left a meeting and came home. The vet came at just gone midday and by 12.20, he had gone. We toasted his life in champagne and determined that we should wait awhile to replace him. But the house is sooo lonely without him. The pain is indescribable. Just looking at the Rainbow Bridge gallery has left me in bits. Coping mechanisms anyone?

[Cobi and Ginnies Mum]

So sorry to hear about Raffles, they take a piece of your heart with them when they leave us... every single time... a little bit more breaks off.. only you know when you need another companion and friend. My Ceili was almost 14 and went very quickly in August 2000, she leaping on and off our bed that day, nothing seemed the matter and then from her first stumble at 7pm to less than 8 hours later at 2.45am, to when the vet said no more could be done for her. I still miss her 9 years on, but 3 months later I spoke to Jan... and we collected Ginnie who had been ill treated, don't know how old Ginnie is she could be as old as 12yrs, not sure. In 2005 we lost 2 dogs within 11 weeks and Ginnie needed a pal and I needed a distraction being at home all day, we were both heartbroken again, within a week of losing Abby, we were up to see Jan and Cobi came back with us she was 12months old and she needed a good home, some people might say it was too soon and we were being disrespectful of Jasmine and Abigail but we still love them, I still think about every dog we've had and there have now been 7 goldens, and they all had their own special ways of doings things or not doing things !!! You will find comfort on this website because everyone knows what you are feeling at this awful moment, which is made worse at this particular time of year. Even now I can't look at rainbow bridge unless I am feeling good and strong as it 'disolves me' every time.

Lynda xx

[CarolynM]

Hi

Welcome to the site, I am sorry it is under such circumstances.

I am so sorry to hear about Raffles but you really did the kindest thing possible for him and that is not to let him suffer. Lynda is right, they do take a part of your heart with you. It doesn't matter how many dogs you have had or how long you have had them, it doesn't get any easier.

We are a supportive bunch on here and unfortunately, we all know what you are going through.

If you would like a picture of Raffles in Rainbow Bridge, email either myself of Ian (Labres1) with a photo and a poem or some words about him and we will put him in there for you.

I don't really have a coping mechanism, I tend to put their basket, blankets and brushes away (I never throw them away), shuffle the furniture around a bit so there isn't a gap where their basket was and keep busy. When we lost our goldie Ben a couple of years ago, we couldn't bear the house without a goldie (we had 2 labradors at the time) and as soon as we could, we got another. You have to do what is right for you, if you want another, it isn't disrespecting the memory of Raffles.

I hope this has helped a bit and remember we are here for you

Carolyn

xx

[Retriever470]

Thank you for your kind messages. Instead of editing the book, I have spent the morning looking at pictures of goldens. For someone who never said anything, the house is so quiet without Raffs and I am already missing the walk, even if it had degenerated to a 25 minute amble. What is the point of going for a walk if you don't have a dog?

We have decided to wait until the spring to give us time to be able to speak of him and smile, but Paul is very keen on us giving a golden who's had a rough start a loving home. Only question is, I live on the east coast of Yorkshire, so would the distance be too far for you to be happy with us having a rescue from you?

[Molly's Maid]

So sorry to hear about Raffles. I do understand how quiet a house feels without them. I lost my 13 year old chow chow in the summer and although she spent most of the last couple of months lying about snuffling, she seemed to fill the whole place with love - and the whole hoover with fur - every day. I came home from a nice restaurant dinner one evening and I found her body curled up in bed but her spirit was gone. I couldn't go out for dinner again for months.

If there is a good way of coping with the loss, I don't know about it. I just cried and cried for days on end until one day I started looking back at pictures of her and remembering all the great times we had together. The romps in the forest (and her rubbing herself in deer poo); the flat refusal to get her feet wet, her habit of making her displeasure known by dramatically turning her back to me when I didn't give her the food she preferred (tuna), how she came and cuddled up to me when I was on the floor crying over my Latin exams in finals week, her refusal to get in the rust bucket car and having to go fetch the nice one to bring her home ("I won't be seen in that old wreck!") and the time she saved my toddler nephew from falling over a bank into a deep ditch.

All the fun, the pathos and the heroism that was Mia made me cry more for a while until it finally started to be a little less raw and I was able to start recalling the life we had shared and had BOTH enjoyed to the full.

But it took time.

Now Molly (my precious gift from Jan) and I live on the South Cliff in Scarborough. The beach and the sea are our private front garden (we let others share it because we're generous) and the house is jam packed full of soft toys, smelly kongs, goldie whining whining and talking whale (anyone else think Goldies sound like the whale from Finding Nemo?). The hoover is full of fur and life is good again.

There will be doggy life and love again whenever you are ready to move on to it. But for now, just let your grief take its course. Don't try to stop it. If you want to cry or shout or go for walks or stay home, just do it. Remember the good times when you can and know you made a beautiful dog very happy for a good long life.

God Bless.

Julie

[superjazz]

It is not easy when you lose one of these lovely dogs. They give you so much pleasure.
We lost two before we got Jazz and now of course we have Candy as well. Both are from Jan and have never been a scrap of trouble. We got Jazz only a few weeks after losing our second dogs.
They all have different characters and there is no disrespect in getting another dog.You never forget any of these wonderful companions. You will know when the time is right.

P, S ,J & C

[lynn wise]

So very sorry to hear of your loss, but I feel sure you gave your wonderful Raffles the best of lives. You also did the most kindly thing at the end, giving him the peace he so deserved, your final act of love.
I can only echo everyone elses thoughts, it will take time. They do take an almighty piece of you with them that's for sure, but somewhere along the line you remember the good times, and there are far more of those than the other sort. Even the good times will bring tears, it's all part of the love we had for them.
I don't think we ever completely get over the anguish of loosing a dear one, but hopefully in time the pain lessens. You will know when the time is right for you both to give a home to another friend. I think we have lost count of the times we've said " no more". But life without a thread of Gold, isn't living.
Take Care.

[janrobinson]

Wise words from everyone I do not think I can add any more. We do our best and let them go in peace and dignity with no fear. This is our last loving caring act for them.
Even now, 15 years after I lost my dear Barney I can weep when I find I am upstairs with a biscuit in my hand for him. He always slept at the side of the bed and he had a biscuit just as I got into bed. Still do that sometimes without thinking and then it gets you. But lots of happy memories of a wonderful friend which is what you will have in time. It does take time.

[labres1]

I dont think you ever get over it, you just learn to deal with it and the upset changes to thoughts of the good times.

We lost our goldie ben just over 2 years ago - i think it must have been 8 months before Jan talked me into putting him back on the site logo..
Over 2 years down the line I still can't take our dogs to the beech I used to take Ben for his run, still cant look at his photos and still fill up when i think of him -

I have added your beautiful boy to the bridge..

Ian

[carol08]

Hello there
I am new to this site and enjoying reading all the posts and looking at the pictures.
I understand how you feel as I lost my Golden when he was 3 (in 2005) There were no signs of illness and it happened very suddenly over 1 week-end. One Friday morning I was sat in my kitchen writing a letter when Robbie started acting very strange. At first I thought he was just having a bit of fun and trying to get my attention as he was a very playful, loving dog and loved placing his head on my lap if I was busy writing. He was looking strange and I wasn't sure what to do so I rang the vets and we were told to to take Robbie up to see him, which we did, and was told he would have to have tests etc. They did some tests and said it might be that he would need medication for Epileptic fits. I was really shocked and my husband and I took him back to the vets over the week-end to keep a check on him. Unfortunately on the Monday at lunchtime Robbie had a severe fit and I called the vet straight away after trying to help him, I was on my own with my 9 year old son and it was very difficult. The vetinary nurse said the vet would ring as soon as he became free which was about 5 minutes later and by that time poor Robbie had died. I was absolutely shell-shocked and my little boy was heart-broken. Later that day the vet said that it could have been something else as well that was wrong with him. I couldn't understand it as he had shown no signs of illness at all. It does take time to get over it and I cried on and off for weeks. My husband and son were upset too and we have never had a dog since then. We still have our 13 year old cat 'Murphy' who used to keep Robbie in check actually!!

I remember the good times and how Robbie used to love everyone making a big fuss of him. I know it gets easier in time. We are actually hoping to adopt a retreiver soon as my son is 13 now and has just lost his little nine month old kitten. He wandered off from our house and we found he had been knocked over by a car. It is so sad as the little cat never went far from our house so we don't know if he had been chased or just wandered further afield. Cats are so independent and its not as easy to keep them under control and we don't believe in keeping cats indoors all the time. We have been very lucky with Murphy - he never goes far from our garden. We arn't going to get another cat now and know its time for us to have another dog to love.

I have spoken to Jan over the phone and are hoping to adopt a dog (either sex) and about 3 - 4 years old or something near that age. I'm hoping after Christmas now as I would like to settle a dog in when the excitement and fuss of christmas is over and its nice and quiet and easier for the dog.

[lenny]

So sorry to hear about Raffels. As most of the other posts have said ,so many of us have gone through the pain you are now suffering,There is no magic wand to wish away the pain, time is a healer and everyone finds their way to deal with the void now left behind.When and if you want another dog must be your choice and when the time comes, you will know what to do, Cherish the love you shared with Raffels, each and every dog are special in their own ways,and your memories, with always remain with you. we all share your loss.

[hairydog]

Hope this helps you...a friend sent this to me and to this day I know our Ben is still with us....

Where To Bury A Dog
There are various places within which a dog may be buried. We are thinking now of a setter, whose coat was flame in the sunshine, and who, so far as we are aware, never entertained a mean or an unworthy thought. This setter is buried beneath a cherry tree, under four feet of garden loam, and at its proper season the cherry strews petals on the green lawn of his grave. Beneath a cherry tree, or an apple, or any flowering shrub of the garden, is an excellent place to bury a good dog. Beneath such trees, such shrubs, he slept in the drowsy summer, or gnawed at a flavorous bone, or lifted head to challenge some strange intruder. These are good places, in life or in death. Yet it is a small matter, and it touches sentiment more than anything else.

For if the dog be well remembered, if sometimes he leaps through your dreams actual as in life, eyes kindling, questing, asking, laughing, begging, it matters not at all where that dog sleeps at long and at last. On a hill where the wind is unrebuked and the trees are roaring, or beside a stream he knew in puppyhood, or somewhere in the flatness of a pasture land, where most exhilarating cattle graze. It is all one to the dog, and all one to you, and nothing is gained, and nothing lost -- if memory lives. But there is one best place to bury a dog. One place that is best of all.

If you bury him in this spot, the secret of which you must already have, he will come to you when you call -- come to you over the grim, dim frontiers of death, and down the well-remembered path, and to your side again. And though you call a dozen living dogs to heel they should not growl at him, nor resent his coming, for he is yours and he belongs there.

People may scoff at you, who see no lightest blade of grass bent by his footfall, who hear no whimper pitched too fine for mere audition, people who may never really have had a dog. Smile at them then, for you shall know something that is hidden from them, and which is well worth the knowing.

The one best place to bury a good dog is in the heart of his master.

by Ben Hur Lampman

[sonia]

I think as animal lovers we all feel you pain, its a very sad time for you all but time is a great healer. We lost Troy almost a year ago now, we got his ashes back on Christmas eve.
I joined the forum then as i need to talk to people who would understand how i was feeling, it gave me a great deal of comfort. We then contacted Jan after Christmas and adopted Ella, she certainly has brought us lots of happiness.

[Retriever470]

Hairydog, that is so lovely. And, once again, thank you everyone who has posted a comment.
We spent the time we would normally have been walking him this morning, lying in bed giggling at Raffles's more comedic exploits. The time when he brought me his stainless steel food bowl, in his mouth and sat in front of me, whereupon I told my daughter off for not feeding him as I had asked her to. At which point she said, "But Mum, I did". And my husband said, "So did I." The time when a friend who never knew when to leave kept saying "I must go" and Raffs picked up her handbag and put it in her lap. The time just after we had a new carpet fitted and he was trying to trophy-walk the 12' cardboard tube up the garden. The time when he had been put in the down position by Paul who then walked back to the settee at the other end of the room to join me. Raffs started to get up, but he was going through a "make me" period, so Paul put him in the down again from the sofa, whereupon Raffs commando walked to us never actually getting up. So many happy memories. I will always miss him, I know. I have to get past the welling up stage when someone says something touching, but I think that when I start missing having a dog will be the day I make the phone call. I must have another comedian, though. For me, no breed can laugh quite like a golden. As I have said to a couple of friends, I sincerely hope that nobody says to me in the next couple of weeks "But it was only a dog", otherwise, they will be spending Christmas in hospital and I will be spending it in jail. Bless all of you.

[janrobinson]

Hairy dog,That ( I was going to say poem but it isn't a poem,) . story is just wonderful. and so true. I have had the tissues out again.